Revolution of Passion

You know what? I'm feeling DAMN GOOD.

I thought I would need a long time to get over this, but 2 bottles of 1 litre whisky, 31 bottles of 650ml beer, 60 cigarettes, football on TV, and 3 meals in 5 days holed up my my plush hotel room, only leaving twice for supplies, sorted me out. I wonder what type of person the cleaner thought I was after leaving that mess in there.
I realised many things whilst I was in there. I realised I had no future with Sev, even if she accepted me back. She's wrong actually, we don't want different things in life, we just have different passions in life. They are two separate things. And I've discovered that passion I have in life, passion for what the future holds.
I now know with certainty that if I had given to Sev, moved to France and had lived the kind of life she wanted in hers, I would lose that passion for my life, and I would lose my passion for her.
She's happy with a simple life, to be content with being married by her target age of 30, with children, living in one place all her life. I realised it wasn't me she loved all this time, it's her love for the life she wants to live, which is why she has met someone else and lost all feelings for me so soon after I left. She just needs someone, a man, in her life to complete that picture. She often told me I was selfish, that is true, but she's been just as selfish in that respect, by not taking the time to understand me and how I felt, not being able to give me one year after all our time together. She's always been impatient.
So that's her passion in life, to live contented, snug and warm in her small bubble of life, which in my way of thinking is not life at all, but every person is unique and has different dreams. Mine is to experience all there is in the world, test my boundaries, to learn as much as possible in the time I have here, a life that could be my only one. If I lived and followed her life, a life I thought I lacked and needed, a simple life in one place, it would be like living a life as a caged bird in her house. And I would lose that passion for my life, and only blame her for it later on.
I live for the moment, my moment, my future, my love, my passion, my freedom that I now know I've always had in life. For the last 6 and a half years, I was happy, more happy than I've ever been, but I realise there's more to come. I have a whole life ahead of me, with unknowns, happiness, loss, fear, surprise, love and most importantly this passion for life that I've rediscovered in myself.
If her passion is to sit back in a rocking chair and observe the immediate surroundings of her life, then mine is a marathon, moving from one moment to the next, where ever it may take me, for I realise my love in life is the uncertainties that I'll encounter along the way, the lessons I'll learn to overcome each one, and move on to the next checkpoint along the route to the finish life of my life.
I'm now happy with my life, with the choices I've made, and for the first time in my short life so far, I am truly content. Although I may turn my head to look back at the things I've despaired over before with a rueful smile, I know my eyes look forward to the next challenge in life and the fulfillment I know I'll have at the end of the road.
Thank you Sev, you've meant so much to me, and made me realise who I really am, by showing me how different we are, and I'll never forget that. I'll always owe that to you. You've helped me be the person I am today, and I'll always look back and remember you as one of the greatest teachers I've had in my life. We never forget our favourite teachers and you're one of them.
We learn so much in life, and I've just learnt another. I've learnt about compassion from Mr. Folkard, a teacher at St. Paul's. My father taught me responsibility to others through his own faults. My mother has taught me dedication and sacrifice. Dan Goetz taught me brotherhood and inspiration. Kowshik Podder has taught me friendship without judgement, discrimination and total honesty. And now Sev has taught me passion in life, beyond anything I've felt before.
There are others to come, and I look forward to each lesson from a teacher I've yet to meet.

Click here to see the photos

So what I have been doing so far? Well isn't that obvious? I have been blind drunk for 5 days non-stop in my hotel room. And I've been thinking FAR too much. All this waffle is the by-product, the waste that's left behind after being coccooned in that puke, stale beer and smoke filled room in Kochi (Cochin). I only spent one day sightseeing in Kochi, where I took a ferry to the island of Fort Cochin to see the chinese fishing nets along the seaside and sample fresh ginger and chilli crabs. I also attending a showing of the famous Kathakali dance form, native to Kerala, where the dancers can take up to 2 hours to do their makeup. I also bumped into Leonard and Stef who I met in Hampi and had a nice chat with them. The first time I had a good talk to anyone in 5 days. I remember a local man in a restaurant near the hotel who tried to talk to me on my second drunken day there, and after he realised I had a 'bad mind' (Indian way of saying someone is depressed or angry), invited me to dinner that night with his family at his house. I refused, knowing I'd be bad company, but the friendliness here in India, the heart shown by people to complete strangers makes me feel there's so much good in life.
I left Kochi the following morning after my sightseeing, eager to move on, continue my trip with this new found passion in life. So I'm here in Alapphuza (Alleppey - all the names are changing in India!!). I bumped into Nils (the Dutch guy I went to Hampi and Bangalore with) totally by coincidence last night. He left today, but I'll be grabbing a boat to travel through the famous and beautiful tropical backwater rivers to Kollam (Quillon), with a possible stop in between at Amritapuri to visit Shri Amritanandamayi, the reknowned female guru, also known as the 'Hugging Mama'. Depends if she's in town at her ashram. If so, I'll have to queue with thousands of others for hours to get one of the millions of hugs she's given to people around the world. It couldn't be more perfect timing if I do, getting a hug at this time, when I've lost something dear to me, but now found something I never realised I had.