Farewell Sev, my love...

I wrote this in my diary a while ago:

"Sev

"I miss you my little piggy-shark. The past few weeks my mind has been
thinking of you more and more. You're right. I have been somewhat
selfish in taking this year out. I've recently been thinking about
your perspective in my leaving, and now I feel I've hurt you. I didn't
mean to. I think I needed to get away, from London, because I've moved
all my life. It's become a part of my nature. My whole life has been
'hello's and 'goodbye's to people I've met. I thought a year out would
give me time on my own, to not have to say 'hello' and 'goodbye', but
on the contrary. I've said more 'hello's and 'goodbye's than I would
care for. I've met so many people on my travels, people I know would
be good friends if I had more time with them. And that's when I
realise what I had with you, and what you mean to me.

"I never really felt at home in London. But these last 3 months, I've
yearned for my life there. I thought I genuinely missed the city, my
work, my friends, but I don't. There's something I couldn't put my
finger on that wanted to draw me back to that place, and now I know
what it is.

"It's you. The home I have been lacking, the home that I've loved, the
home that I've wanted all my life is you Sev. You are my bastion of
love, my bed of content, my pillow of passion, my blanket of comfort..
When I need to think of a happy place or period, I don't dream of a
location, but my time with you.

"It's been hard for me the last few weeks. You haven't called, replied
to my emails, and I can understand why. I left you, you are right. But
you have to understand, as you know me so well, that I needed to do
this. It wasn't because I wanted to return to Asia, the home you
thought I needed. I was confused, and had no identity. That's how I
realised I do have an identity, and that's being Dom, the Dom you
love, the Dom who loved you.

"My home has never been a location, a place, a city, a country, a
continent. My home is with you baby. And now I'm looking forward to
coming back. I'm homesick. I need to settle at home. For the first
time in my life, I know I'll be content, happy, when I'm by your side,
feeling the warmth of the fireplace of your heart, dispelling the
chill of loneliness and feeling of belonging that has frozen my bones
and heart all these years.

"I love you Sev, and I hope you still love me too... I'm coming home
soon. I hope you can wait."

.....but stories, real stories, in life seldom have fairy-tale endings, and this one doesn't.

After telling her I was going back to her, telling her I now knew what I wanted in life, and as she sat and took it in the last few weeks over the phone and emails from me, she never told me until yesterday, when I asked her why she hadn't been replying to my mails the last couple of months, that there was no chance of me going back to her, that she had met someone else recently that had changed her life. She told me she doesn't love me anymore, and that we want different things in life. That's true, but the thing for me was I never knew what I wanted in life. That's why I took this year out. And I found it. It was her. But I can't have that now. It's too late. She really hurt me by doing that, making me believe she was still missing me, listening to all I said the last couple of months, and talking about it, until now. She also hurt me by changing so quickly, to say these things after so long together, after she told me she loved me so much. And I hurt. I hurt more than I've ever hurt before. But I did it to myself. And I deserve it.

So my fairy-tale story is gone. I told her I was about to fly out to France to see her this week, to return to her, to convince her that I loved her, and in a soppy romantic gesture, to ask her to marry me, but her last email stopped me short. She said she would definitely say no (after saying before I left that if I asked, she would say yes), and that I would just end up hurting myself more. She's right. I would. And I know I would hurt her more too.

My last 6 and a half years, I will cherish with her, and I will always love her, more than she will ever know. But it was my fault for leaving her, taking this trip out. Then again, I would never have known how much I loved her if I hadn't have left.

So my advice to any of you out there who has a loved one: Don't let them go. Hold them tight. Never take your eyes off them, for the moment you do, they might not be there when you turn around again. Next time you look at them, whether it's in the next minute, hour or day, realise what you have with each other, hold it to your heart, and feel it's warmth, realise that love you have for each other. Never let it go. I did, and it's become the worst mistake I've ever made in my life.

Sev, I wish you all the happiness in life with the new person you have found. You deserve it. I was never able to love you the way I should have until it was too late. I had already left you. I hope the man loves you as much as I loved you, and more, because you are truly a beautiful person, who certainly deserves all the love a person can give in their life.

So bear with me folks. I've kind of lost the will to travel (and live!) at the moment. I've just arrived in Kochi (Cochin) and splurged out on a nice expensive hotel to pamper myself in light of recent events. I've had to endure these feelings of pain and hurt for 18 hours on an overnight bus after being stuck in traffic in the hills for 10 hours (due to a crash 20km down the road) with a snoring man next to me. I had 18 hours to think things through with no sleep. I still don't know what to do with the presents she asked me to buy for her at each place I visited when I left!

I won't sightsee today, I'll most probably lie in bed and watch the Arsenal v Villareal game on TV in my room tonight with a nice bottle of whisky or five (come on Arsenal!). You might not hear from me in a looong while. I'll need time to get over this, alone. I'm sorry... I hope you all understand.